Your misery is bittersweet.
Conflicting thoughts of wishing happiness or hurt.
I watch as she tears you down and I hope you choose me to build you up again.
I watch as you yearn for a heart when you have another at your disposal.
Running when our souls have been intertwined.
Your words cut so deep I feel they come from a dark place my soul has yet to dwell.
I wish for anger but my soul knows only love and pain.
Im hurt because you long for all the things I gave.
But I hurt most because you long for them in someone else.
I no longer know your intentions, no longer know what’s up your sleeves.
But I do know that our love is just as strong as your fear.
I still believe in it when every fiber in me wants to let it go.
Just a small piece of hope the size of a mustard seed that keeps me wondering.
But do you wonder?
Or is this a lesson for you as well as me?
Will this shape you to love as I loved you?
Or will you continue to resent me forever?
And that still small voice tells me to look in the mirror, look in my eyes and see that no real tears are falling. And tells me to breathe. Then I realize, I was pretending and that the pain was all in my mind.
I even dance in circles while waving my arms, celebrating the fucks I did not give.
And smile. Reminiscing on all the fucks I ceased to give.
I get knowing that all the things I worked so hard for will come so easy for someone who doesn’t deserve it.
No longer fighting for the things we fought for. Longing for the money to buy special things. Wanting her and your “friends” to get along. It will all be easy. You will find yourself in my shoes. Doing more. Losing more. The shoes that I denied you of. The shoes I kept on my feet. This is not me wishing things on you. This is me being aware. That struggle we fought against. Those words we shared. Ideas and expressions that I deny my longing for. You will do the same. Deny deny deny. Until that day you wake up, and that void is an empty cavity in your heart chamber. That spot you saved for me. That spot I worked for. I earned. I’m not naive. And I don’t want you. I want your soul. These growing pains I went through, these strengths I found are not in vain. But now it’s your turn. I’m not gone and im not staying. Im around. My heart won’t break. My heart knows this. But you are naive. Weaker yet wiser. You’re smart, but I acquired sonority years ago. I’ve been here before. It’s all too familiar. Why am I do concerned about your feelings? Because if I damaged you, you’d resent me. Can’t have that. That’s my selfless gift to you.
I reassured her that love will never be easy for girls like us. We aren’t going to settle for less because we know our worth. We aren’t easy, we are always seen as a challenge. We are complex yet very simple and easy to please. I’ve realized that I’m overwhelming for someone who lacks the ability to trust themselves and believe in themselves. My recent activities brought me back to this endless cycle yet I’ve found an escape just as I did the first time. The best way to defeat emotion is to stay distracted which is what I am not. My opponent has found a distraction which makes the days go faster and nights less lonely while I sit and think. I move like a turtle even though she claimed I moved to fast. Nope, slow and steady wins the race. Yet, I seem to be losing. Or am I? I always see the glass half empty and half full. I write things out in my head. No, not fairy tales, but realities. When people are immature, they are easy to read. I’m easy to read at times but I love adding mystery to my stories. I get so worked up over my stories because I’m surprised I’m right. No I don’t think I know it all, I play things by ear. Speaking of ears, I have a way of cheating. You know that small voice that whispers in your ear and make that gut feeling rise up? Yeah, that’s my cheat code. When I dont listen to it, it punishes me. No, im not crazy. I’m enlightened. My eyes and ears are always open.
Sometimes when im in a relationship, people think I spy. Nope. I swear to you I dont. But the more you sneak, the faster I come on to you. I play small unintentional games. If you react, you’re already losing. Like if I sit by you and you move your phone away from my reach, I notice. I notice everything. I study my equal. Equal or “opponent” when we’re at odds. When you’re in love, and love the way I do, you focus on that person. Not in a stalkerish way but in a way that you always know how to please them. But in turn, knowing their weaknesses. My opponent is a horrible liar but is sly. The less we talk, the easier it is to keep me from knowing. So then what happens? Because I’m certainly not cut off from knowing. My mind computes. I’m not satisfied until I know the truth. I hate liars. Keeping a lie strong takes too much energy. Energy that my opponent does not have. I don’t lie, but I prolong the truth because it’s not always the right time. Let me clarify, i don’t lie to the person Im in love with.
Honeymoon stages are great. It’s like you’re floating. Hearing a new person tell you that they love you and they think you’re sexy. So people fall into the trap of wanting the honeymoon stages all the time. For me, I love the real stuff. You find out the most about a person. For me, it’s easier to deal with because I know you and you know me.
Why am I saying all of this? Because I know my opponent. Vulnerability is an unsettling feeling. Usually through a bad breakup, personal shit gets thrown back and forth. Things you wouldn’t expect that person to use against you. My opponent gave their weakness away quickly. Which I use to my advantage. But has yet to completely figure out mine. I have many weaknesses but my cheat code always saves the day. I listen to my heart more than I listen to my mind. My heart keeps me brave. My mind tells me to run, but my heart needs to find out the truth. I’ve made my opponent too vulnerable. Too weak. So the feet begin to run quickly. Finding that quickie solution. But, I already wrote this out. Me? I’m coasting. Learning this lesson and forgiving my opponent as they continue to make these mistakes. You can’t deny chemistry. But running to get away from it, only makes it temporary and heightens it when it’s near. Let’s see who’s rushing and who’s moving slow and steady. I never rush and i tell the truth. Karma moves too quickly.
